It's the leap year today. I kinda pity/envy those born today. Not too sure why..it's kinda special in a way don you think? You celebrate your birthday once every 4 years..save the itty-bitty bit of presents unwrapping, don get to waste money and you learn not to be so dependent on people. My summary of it. Hmm..This leap year also marks me being alone.

I am OK today...doing bits and pieces of work. I realise one thing. Blogging keeps me sane and grounded. It helps me unbottle my anger and whatever feelings within me. Keeps me light and unburdened tho i admit that i am still a lil disenchanted.

I can't wait for tomorrow. I pray i can get into that school and what's important is the loan thing now. It would seriously take my mind off a thousand and one things. It would keep me occupied with all those homeworks, projects and pieces of it all. =)

I am beginning to smile slowly...everything's fading. He's fading and that's a good sign. I can move on. I try very hard not to think daily. Ok...fine i mean memories are so hard to erase but it'll fade sooner than you realise. Pain is a feeling you get when you fall but after a while, the wound heals. Basically it's like riding a bicycle for the first time. You're unsure and you get help. Then comes the part when you're hooked to it until the day you fall. You gets up, scared of trying on it again for the longest time. Sometime later after your wound heals, you'd wanna get back on it again and try the fun you experienced before. I guess LOVE is like that too. I dunno. My perceptive of it has changed indeed. To me, it's now just a phase where you feel really, really happy and excited. That's the best i can describe of it. I am no amateur in this area but at the same time, i've lost that bit of hope and spark of sunshine.

So today, i am even calmer (minus work..which got shitty yesterday..i might not even last here ya know...). Alhamdullilah. Allah is great isn't he? He soothes us when we needs him most. Allah is also great in the sense that, when he takes something precious away from you, he tends to replace it with something even better. It hasn't come to me yet in the form i want to...but insyallah, it's on the way. =)

I don wish to sound like a desperado..but sometimes it helps so much to have someone close whom i can lean my head onto when i'm so so tired or even call at night when i can't sleep these days...Or someone whom i can grip onto when i hear the thunder..someone basically to hold me up when i fall.

As you can see, i'm still being melancholy here and there. I am like the Oyster Boy..haha..Well, at least i am trying to make myself feel better. And when i think 4-7years is a freaking long countdown, i look at my nephew who's growing so much by the days. In 4 years, he's gonna be 4, let alone 7 years. So he shall be my timeline. My timeline for me to see the changes i've been waiting to see. According to my Dad...

And here i am penning off...my arms hurts today...Haiz..and so does my legs..Goodnight



I know what i want already..After years of working, it's time i return back to my school roots. It's something i left halfway before finding myself. And after that i got lost. Anyways, yonks ago after my ITE, i actually tried enrolling in Poly for a Business course but you know what the admin clerk whom attended to me said??



"Well, our Business courses are filled up this year...you want to try for the Engineering courses instead?"



You should have seen me gasp there. I mean i studied Business and why should i take Engineering right? It's as well i go back to primary school and start all over again. And so i started working, got lost and forgot about that Diploma i was supposed to carry on taking...and years passed soon.



I am going to that Career Education fair this Saturday. I mean i pray i could get into that course. 9 months is sure enough to make me forget all this unwanted sorrows. 9 months should be enough to turn my whole life round and be a new person. 9 months is also a freaking long time and 9 months is where i really have to get my life sorted out for good. Before i know, it's end of the year. And i pray i would have already forgotten 'pain'.



Oh boy...guys sure move on faster in life than girls. Girls always consider and ponder but guys jump to the next step as if nothing even happened. I don quite get the theory there...He's moved on. And i cannot cling to that fact he's coming back into my life. That would be pathetic. I gave the idea up when i repeated it to myself daily. Confusing? Don be...it's just my way of comforting myself. Nonetheless, the idea has been aborted. The more i see, the more i know the pace. And so, today i promised myself NOT to read of those things anymore. Sometimes curiousity kills but why should i hurt myself all over again right? I tried so hard....



Dee have tried so hard. I always tell her not to fall coz if she ever fall, i would definitely fall harder. She's my pillar honestly. And the reason why i am even studying is coz, i don't wish to impose on her. I feel bad enough. (Yeah..i've been imposing on too many people lately...). That's the thing with human beings. When you have the bez things around you, you tend to take advantage and even choose and evil just rises within you without you yourself realising it. Somehow when you are alone, that is when you start to realise what are the most important things in life and what you really can't live without. That's the time you grow. You mature in your thinkings and everything else around you...but by that time, certain things are also too late.

I got this seashell by the beach last week with the girls. It was the most perfect one i could find on the shore. And it's beautiful just to look at. I like nature's creation. Saga seeds, seashells, stars, all things nice....i pick them up and keep them (cept for stars of coz..i can't reach)..just for memory keepsake. It is also a way to tone my feelings a lil. When i look at something so beautiful like this, i forget agony for a while. =)

What's my most favourite smell and sound?

Answer: Freshly cut grass and the sound of wind chimes. Aren't they just pleasing to the senses?

One day, this shell would crack..who else would admire it's beauty then?

Got ticked at work by Mr Boss...must be that nyonya and her big mouth...Well, when you suffer one downfall, there's a whole mountain of it that awiats you normally...so now, i REALLY must brace...Yikes!


































Can't wait for tomorrow. =)



Talked to Dee at work just now..told her i have kinda calm down and i thank Him above. We must always have faith in Him no matter what. To me Allah is always around watching us and though he may not respond to all our prayers immediately as we have always hoped for, He is always here for us.



My faith has been restored. Alhamdullilah. I have been whispering small prayers to Him lately, asking him to grant me the strengths and courage to move on in life. And i can already feel the calmness and courage in me. It's not what you guys think. I mean people must be probably thinking that i am only thinking of Him and such just coz i have already fallen. And it serves me right not treasuring Him and the people around me. Thing is, whatever i do is solely between me and Him. I am no show-off. Why should i be bragging to people that i go to mosque to pray or procastinate others? Won't gossiping be equivalent to sins as well??



Isn't it? Sometimes i don understand humans at all. When you don't do well religiously, they talk..even worst when you do your sums correct, even that will spark harsh talks. So whatever you do, there will always be talks. I guess people will soon talk about me. Here i am posting a pic of me in a bikini and talking about Islamic ways. I don't mind. Like i say, it's me who will bear the consequences and it will be me facing Him.....not you guys.



Anyways, i haven't really decided which school to go to. It's all too sudden you see. Well, call me impulsive, but i seriously need to occupy the time. Either for 2 and half years of just bloody plain 9 months. Which one do you reckon?? I am not even sure myself. For that 2 and half years one, it will cover 15 modules and there are LOADS of shitty subjects!!! Sighz..i don't even know if it interests me..Somehow for 9 months, it's shorter and i am familiar with the subjects they highlighted. I hope the time is enough to cover my boredom, loneliness, sadness etc...I just hope i can meet my wish list or rather, my plan list =)



I am so grateful i have a wonderful Dad in this world. I am truly thankful to Him. Last night, i was feeling the pits and my dear Dad consoled me till 12.30am. Isn't that just lovely? Now not only i have Dee, Dira, Lene, Velince or people at work....i have my family members whom i can always fall back on too. Sometimes, i just don't realise that there are tons of people who cares so much about me. I am sucha spoilt pampered bitch.



"Someday when you even appear before my life at midway, it might already be too late. I may say so much now..but who know what the future holds? I might have even forgotten about you completely....and someone else would already be here by my side to replace you....Now i am confused. Now i am skeptical and indecisive...but in the future, i pray i am mature and wiser enough to be able to make a rightful decision. You already belong to someone else now..and it is silly to be doubtful and silly to be lost at that age. Now i say this...i pray daily i won't have to face that day."



And so here i am signing off;



"Life is so short, live life as it is your last day on Earth"- Gerard Way



This coming Monday Dee has promised to accompany me to that school. I hope i gets it..but nothing beats explaining to Mum this morning and getting a smile from her. It means alot. I don't say i love her often but she knows that I am one of her children who loves her most.

I am getting OK. Pain is still there..and my ears still rings once in a while but i'll do good. I have already draft out a plan you see. Plans to keep me so busy i can hardly find the fucking time to think shits.

And please, don't even think i am ever going to come between 'them'..i won't stoop so low as a woman. I am a grown-up girl and i have to act like one. Next month's my fucking birthday for god's sake and i'm fucking 24!! I can't act forver 20.

I so cannot wait for Monday beach outing. I really need the break. It's only been a few days or so it seems that i got back all those garbage, but seriously, i have been through all these alone since last year. I admit it's hard, going to be tough...but i wanna do this. I want to..

And so, with that i hope i am slowly able to smile again....and with time, the right person will probably come along and do all those i yearn for. (then again, i really am not that pathetic..) Like i have already said in previous entries, sometimes when major blows like this happens, something inside you just shuts off. It will take a looooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggg time for it to 'regenerate' itself back.

Today i am peaceful..Alhamdullilah.



Mum went berserk after i told her of my current wish...i don't blame her..but how i wish she'd have smiled instead of saying strange things...



I don't mean to pry but aren't most men are? They drop the bombshell on you as if it was nothing. They say they "lost the feelings", "it's not there anymore"...but is it and will it be fair to the other party? The one suffering?

At this rate, i'm never going to heal ever. Now i'm counting down the days to 7 years later. (yup 7 fucking years later..) Whatever for, i dunno....who am i still waiting for?? I dunno...i may say all sorts of unbelievable things now but 7 years from now, my heart will have shut itself up to everyone who wants to be in it. I might be bubbly..i picture myself to be like that always..i may no longer have tantrums coz i might still be alone. And i'm fucking 30, unmarried and being single...still waiting..but for fucking who??? I'm so contradicting this entry.

God..i'm pathetic!!!

Rotate me =)

Getting all my things back was a hard thing to do, but when i finally managed to, it was like a burden bein lift off my shoulder. At the same time, my ears was ringing with all those past harsh words and my body went dumbly cold again.

I'll never see him again...forever...but life isn't the end. Singapore is small and not only that, the world is, too. God likes to play pranks..and makes mockery of us. Someday if we do bump, we will be on different paths.

Anyways, Maznee, my dear old fren sent me some encouraging soothing words just before my bedtime yesterday nite. (after all those chit-chats with Dee)

• "In the cruel world of LOVE, u must learnt that promises aren't contracts, kisses are not assurance, sweet words are not guarantees and big hugs are not bonds...& nothing is permanentin this life. 1 day he's yours, the next he's gone. Last night he was sweet, the next morning he's insensitive. Yesterday, you cried, tonight you are sad...but tomorrow, you will be strong, you tried so hard, it still seems not enough..life is so unfair..and definitely unpredictable.."