I dunno. Strange as it seems to be, i am more at ease when i am alone. I breath better and i control my emotions better. Whenever i'm out with Dee or Dira, i can't help feeling like a 4-year old kid. I get totally emotional and of coz thinking. Who can i even blame in the first place when i myself disappeared for months and years? Right? Friendship don take overnight to be repaired.

And Seri, yeah of all people messaged me on my Friendster. I never hated her. It was just a miscommunication that got silly. If you had to choose between the love of your life and your best friend, no doubt you will always choose your love. And so i gave Amin up. He was a great friend. Basically a nice guy. Lotsa crap daily from his mouth. With him, i never had to sulk. With him around, i laughed silly daily. With him around, he was like a rubbish bin. Not just food wise, but i can 'throw' all my problems to him and he could always catch them without spilling it out. And YES, i have the right to be jealous of this girl. We share the same birthday but not the same kinda life. Her's is gonna be a perfect fairytale ending this year whereas mine will just be the semi-charmed kinda life. Where everything is just so-so.

But so shit happened like i have said over and over again. I have sought both sides forgiveness. So it's forgotten.....but who can forget that easily still? Hint: I can talk and be best friends again with anyone i want to.... =) Girls are such weirdos.

Yeah i admit i am still halfway broken. I have 11 more freaking months to mend this very much broken life. This is all according to Dee. She planned this out for me. I dunno. Maybe my emotions have gotten too much into my brain cells. I don wanna be the childish 4 year old kid now. But at this age, to still be jealous between friends is kinda absurd right? Haiz..that's me. When we go out, the 3 of us, i get pretty annoyed when Dee and Dira chats happily as if i'm invisible. And so whilst chatting on the phone with her the other night, i told her that one more time they both do this, and i'll definitely hail a cab and go home. Hahah...Yeah, i'm sucha bitch. It's VERY hard i tell you to be an angel when you're once known to be the most EVIL girl around. Ask everyone around and they'd say something either nasty or nice about me. I don mind coz i know where i stand.

Yesterday, today, i am VERY VERY peaceful. I am calm. Alhamdullillah. It hasn't been that easy as you all think alright? I console myself with words daily and compare myself with the luck of others too. Like those girls on TV. Like Jennifer Anniston. And so sometimes i conclude that, maybe i am just one of those girls who was just experimenting with life. Maybe i was never even attached. LOVE hasn't found me afterall. All that was there was purely a crush. And the list of daily consoling goes on....

You know, i am sucha freak. I tried so hard not to remember the past that i have basically 'lock' all my memory to the point where i now get severe migranes daily and i take any sorta painkillers especially those that makes you drowsy, just to so go to bed and sleep.

Haiz.....All i want now is to plan for the future. I can't wait for school in a way. It'd be like 1st day all over again. hahah...What's important is that once i get that cert, i'd wanna get a blardy good job. And let's hope with all those assessments, i'll forget pain in no time.

4th of April is so not far huh?? Gee...



Friday, 21st March

The ONLY thing that i am still able to do despite the ever so painful heart pain is - LAUGH. One thing i am proud of myself is that, i always laugh even tho it's the silliest thing i've done. Like when i mistook a customer at work for saying "tennis" to "chinese". I laughed so hard till i cried while serving her. And the poor lady bared me a clenched jaw look throughout. Haha. And who can i blame apart from my ownself from being partially deaf right? Honestly speaking, ever since "that", my ears rang so much it hurts and so now, i can't quite make out certain things people often say.





I bought this uber cute Barney top whilst at Woodlands pasar malam with Dee. Everyone knows how much i adore Barney. Actually i fell in love with this bumblebee striped top instead of this one...but too bad the aunty had no size and so i ended up buying this one instead. It's not so bad. I adore Barney and so here it is. It's freaking funny and my poor nephew.

And so it is...purple baby for that few seconds and so many snapshots too..all for the sake of finding the perfect one. Hahah..

I miss the RC people. I practically belonged there even tho i was from CM. My heart, soul and everything else was there. When they had a party, i went. When they had potluck, i was invited and ate even though i bought nuts. Basically the memories are all there. And to not step in there again kinda hurts. Whatta do...for me, memories of you-know-who has to be erased completely in order for me to heal faster.

I miss scaring Kakak, giving her a surprise "BOO!" and making her laugh after that. I miss being deaf to Din's mumbles. I miss looking at Irah's haircuts and her being a fashion chameleon. And i miss Elanor naivity and child-like behaviour. And how i miss walking around in circle in that mall and up the escalator without having the need to look down..i was so safe. Then...i still miss every single thing... =(

But what can i do? It's all part of memories. My heart broke when i got them donuts and couldn't go in there to look and smile, maybe even hug or share a few giggles with familiar faces. I can't coz i know once i step in there, i'll be broken all over again. Let me erase and forget this part first. After that, i pray i'll be fine soon. I'm not erasing FRIENDS. I'm ONLY forgetting pain.......

Dat's what i should do..i think right now. I dunno...i have been feeling rather paranoid for no reason, emotional for the unnecessary, the non-eating part, the endless fever, the confusion of school starting, the mixed feelings for certain friends, the ups-and-downs of life settings etc...

See my thinking daily is never ending. No wonder i get sick and NO WONDER they say i look much older. But that's just the way i am. A normal person always think positively ahead but for me it's always the negative first. Maybe i have been disappointed a lot of times in life, too many times in fact that's why negative thinking always strikes me first. Thing is, if i think positively, the thing i want just never seem to happen. It sucks. Then when i start thinking the negative stuffs, a whole lotta good things seem to go the way i want it to...just that it's all said deep in my heart. Know what i mean?

I have come to learn, sadly at 24 that in life, nothing you plan can come true. Nothing you wish might be granted and nothing you dream of might come alive. It has happen to me, right before my eyes so how can i not believe this statement to be oh-so-true. What others said to me was right. I should start taking serious consideration.

"Move on ShaSha. Why are you still stuck here? Do something...."

Yeah...thing is i know i want to but the harder i try the harder i seem to fall. Is it even supposed to be like this? The only comfort and place i seek solace to is Him above. He makes me calm and sooths my heart whenever i utter my prayers in silence at night. I know he listens. Though nothing is being shown yet, just like how i have prayed of, i feel peaceful. And i guess, that's all that matters now.

I am sick and it has been for the past 3 days. Fever and flu. Haiz..With school starting and just round the corner, i can't afford all these sickness and gibberish talking. I need to buck up. I have been feeling down again, i know. Give me time. I know that i have neglect a buncha friends on the other side....but i am just not ready yet. Not ready to mingle all over again and laugh over my once favourite Raspberry Frappucino at Starbucks or sipping Hot Chocolate at Coffee Bean. I am not the same ShaSha you guys once knew of. I am now dull, lonely and liveless. A living dead doll. I admit i have lost some sparkles and sunshine and even laughter that i was so famous for. I am lost. When i walk crowded streets at times, i feel broken. You can't hear my heart crack but i do coz it's me feeling all of these. Hence the reason why i take a cab every single night from work. I just don't want to be remided of the memories which i so badly wish to erase and what is worst right now is to bump into you-know-who.

I thank every1 of you for being here. If i mention names, i might forget to include some others, so it's best to say ALL. I love you guys...but i am now just plain ShaSha. I need time for the old ShaSha to come back. It might be a year, mite be longer. It all depends on me at the end of the day. True words are easier said than done. Imagine yourself in my shoe. Just for 5 mins if not for a whole day.

"A girl who found friendship in 1 person, trusted and gave her all, gave up everything just to be happy only to have her heart broken into pieces."

That sums me up. Not everyone know how simple minded i am. I am very much into things money can't buy - LOVE AND JOY, HAPPINESS, LAUGHTER AND SMILES.

I love being that way. Like i have said before. I wish my life would be as simple as i make it sound to be. I crave love back and i badly crave the need of being hug each night. Have someone to call when there is no one or write secret letters daily to each other. I was sucha kid, a love mad kid. Now i am just forlorn. Whatever that is. I am 24...finding someone again, someone new and someone to trust for years is going to be so so so hard. For i believe LOVE only happens once in a lifetime.

Will i be able to do that for this new person if he comes along? Will i be able to open my heart again? I am so scared i am not able to. I want to move on....but it hasn't been easy.

And honestly speaking, hearing news that your own best friend getting married next year in this kinda time has definitely not been easy at all. Having to cope with pure heartbreak is one thing, and having to smile and share the good news happily is another. Of coz i am happy for her. Just think how Holly felt in PS I LOVE YOU when her best friend got married when her husband died just months?? I am feeling like that somehow. Happy but lost in some ways.

Haiz...when can i stop sighing and grow up??? -_-

Too much nonsense stated here huh?



What if i never had a chance to say goodbye and die the next day? Would ppl know? Would you gals miss me as much? Would i know where to go and such? Would life be more peaceful? Would people here be hurt and sad..but only for a short while? Will their lives change? Will i be forgotten overnight?

Will i.........................................................and so many other questions....all left unanswered.

Haiz...

















I don even have the mood to sing my own birthday song. Its my first time spending it alone after so many years. Last year was fucking awesome. Last year, right after the birthday ended, i was already anticipating to smile hard again for this year...and so it was proven wrong. See, never plan ahead of things. I dunno..maybe this year isn't just my year..no doubt it's the year of the Rat and all.

It's funny how i always plan ahead for others' birthday. The novelty giant cakes, the balloons and surprise stuffs, and even cool dream presents. However as i have noticed on my birthday each year, mine has always been the complete opposite of how i picture it in my plain mind.

In my mind, i'd be cutting a cool cute customised cake. Probably a ladybug or a cool cake with my funny face on it. Or wait....someone would be blind folding me and when they removed that stupid cloth, everyone i love would be there and scream "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!" and start singing the birthday song. For which after, i will be laughing merrily, and holding hands with the imaginary boyfriend. And then as night passes, i will be sitting somewhere with him and opening all my presents and have a fucking good laugh.

Sadly this is never to be. It's all part of my dreams. Mere human dreams. I never managed to get what i want anyways. True, Dee got me something but it would always be so special to have your special friends celebrating it with you with a cool surprise for a start. Its always me you see planning months ahead for a loved ones birthday. Ordering the cake...then plan the whole blardy thing. Just so after that i could see them smile or maybe even get a hug. (used to be..from someone..) I'm not even complaining now you see..i love doing these shit. Just that sometimes, we as human beings, you can't help wishing for a little happiness especially when you are celebrating a birthday like mine for the first time like this.

Hai..............Long sigh isn't it? Liz dear asked me out but i declined her. I dunno...maybe partly because i have imagined and 'berangan' so much and only to my dismay it turned out like this, this year. I'm meeting Dira this Friday tho.

And so whilst at work today, i can't help looking at the phone hoping for more messages or something really surprising. I can't help picturing some friends coming to my work place suddenly and buying me a cake and asking me to blow it spontaneously. Duh...Being a human is oh-so-plain-sucky i tell you. Being me especially. Maybe i should just die for a wish. And hopes to be reincarnate as an animal. I doubt they think much and their loves seems less complicate than a human's life too that is.

Maybe i could be a cow and just graze on more grass each day. Or maybe even one of my cats. I don't think being 24 is sucha cool thing. Or be so proud of. It's just a year older and more better thinking. Like i said, humans sometimes can't help but wish for more all the time.

And so as the clock just striked midnight, i am now officially 24. No fucking dreams yet. It's all however in the plans. I will make them reality soon. I hope. And yes, my biggest wish is still to be getting married....to whom? Now it has become an unknown Prince.

Thanks for the wishes people. Appreciate them greatly and truly. However, this has got to be the worst birthday ever. When i got home just now, to my horror, my beloved guinea pigs were both found DEAD in their cage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why is God so unfair? Everything and everyone seems to be leaving me behind. And so now, again i am going to cope with pain. This sucks OK..

RIP my dear Sunshine and Sunlight. This is so unfair..how could you leave me on of all the days you had, my birthday is the one you have chosen to leave me alone. Still, i loved you. If not, why would i be bringing you carrots each night my dears??? =(

Sighz...



Last week.




Like who???

1)Jennifer Aniston

She can't seem to move on even tho her ex-husband is already dating Angelina Jolie, had kids and going to have twins...And i heard getting married as well. Seeing her on magazines cover is making my own heart break. I can't imagine that being me. It's sucha painful ordeal for her daily..especially when she's a star and having to see pics in tabloid mags...Guys are fucking cruel no doubt =(

2) Sophie Monk

They just announced their split of engagement a few days ago and Benji is already dating, of all people, Paris Hilton. Why is it that guys moves on faster?? Why?? And poor Sophie is losing tons of weight already....am i gonna be like that? So painful.....everyday is tears. I am already losing a bit of weight..maybe it's coz i don eat as much anymore or maybe coz i just barf everything out...When was the last time i pop some chocs in my mouth?? I think it was last year..

This morning i read on 3)Patsy Palmer. She is Liam Gallagher's ex-wife. He is already married to Nicole Appleton, 1/4 of All Saints. See, again the guys is the one married/dating some1 else first..the girl is always stranded. Gosh...i have a vague feeling i'm gonna turn into one of those!!! (selisih!!) Anyways, according to her, it took 3 1/2 years to make her forget all that pain and hurt from the divorce. She cried everyday...sobz...

Honestly, i cried this morning in the toilet at work place. I like hiding inside the toilet whenever i am scared/upset/alone. I feel like it's the safest place on Earth. I dunno why the tears today. Normally i am strong and able to forget easily. I guess, certain things are catching up. And i do pray to Him above daily asking him for guidance and strengths and also to point me to the right path and directions to life. Yes i am scared for the future. I am no longer young anymore. I am not freaking 20. Finding the right one is gonna be hard. I don wanna be left on the shelve. I want to be able to catch up with Dee. I wanna give birth and play with my own children. I have wrote down names for which i'm gonna call them.....And the list just goes on from there....

Please let me forget this....I hope friends can help me do this shit. Dee asked me to give myself a year. Yeah, a year is long...hopefully by then, my perception of things have changed. I will be 25 next year. More wiser. Hai..it also seems that the more i motivate myself, the more likely i get shaky. I dunno why i am back to rock bottom these days. I can only blame the lonely birthday this year. It feels like my 19th/20th birthday. I was all alone. Or is it coz of Dee again...Geesh..

Thank God, Allah is as kind as always. My mum's birthday is on the 12th. She asked to spend it with me. Alhamdullillah. At least there is still family...right?

What am i still moaning about? I dunno...and i really wanna get to school ASAP. I promise i will keep myself busy and in time, with so many new things around me, PAIN will no longer be in my heart and mind. Hai..if not i'll look for other schools.

I thank Liz for her concern...i thank Dee for heartwarming calls and SMS daily...I thank Dira for her love back, and i thank my family for their encouragements. And so today, i have succeeded in 1 thing. I no longer read nor see those pics. =)

It's been a while...and i should be so proud of myself. And i swear i don wish to see nor listen about the unnecessary anymore. Unless if one day, a twist takes a turn and ------- comes looking for me. I can't even write down the name, call names and mention the gender anymore. I dunno what i have become.

Haiz....a broken heart is the worst illness and catastrophe for one to ever face. You feel but you can't see the wound.











Yeah...having a bez friend is the world's best ting for a girl. You getta share every single thing! Like Dee for me. This year marks 10 freaking long years of good and bad times of our friendship.

And so yesterday night, i made dear Dee call me for our normal chit-chat sessions cum 'how-you-doing..better?' session. And somehow whenever we starts talking, we never intend to put the blardy phone down!! And we started crapping about everything on this planet to the fantasy dreams of Dira being screwed by my fucking fave band member!!! (EEWW!!!)

And so here i am today, supposedly to be going to work but i'm down with fever, migrane and flu!!! I slept at 3am!!! Gosh....what were we thinking? My bez friend killed me. She practically invited the flu fairy and whatever illness fairy to invade my immune system today. =(

I feel like almost dying...i haven't taken MC for the longest period ever. I should be getting an award for this. If i ain't mistaken, it was since June last year! How awesome right? Well, then again, our body needs the rest too. Talking about these illness shit, how will i cope when school starts?? And the full shift of work? Serves me right then...for wanting time occupied and bla bla blaaa...Oh blardy hell, i hope tings will go so well like i have planned in my head. I am still thinking of taking my car license...so i'll squeeze the time whenever i can. And best part of school is, you getta meet new people. And i hope i won't have to bother Dee as often as now should i say. I'll be hanging around those people packed with projects and shitty stuffs. And i'll be a geek all over again just like in secondary school...eew...

Okie, gotta go now..gonna rush to see Mr Doc. Hope he pass me the MC.... -_-



Things have been quite fine of recent. I have stopped thinking so much..hence it's good coz there isn't a need for me to be filled up with unecessary fucked up issues that is no longer my concern. I laughed at work yesterday giggling like the old times and i felt so light and comforted. I feel like it should have been this way all along.

After hearing what Mei-mei told me, i am more motivated to move on. Her friend was with this guy for fucking 7 years, got married for the next 2 years before he dumped her for another shrew!! How fucking sad right?? God, if i were in her place, i would have defintely be dead by now..i mean it!!!! And so 4 years have passed for her, and she's doing all fine by herself now. Gosh!!! I am freaking sure guys puts her off...If she can pick up her pieces of broken life back, why not me...right?? Right?? =)

Anyways, i am so happy for my dear bestie Dee!!! Fucking bitch is getting married next year in April!!! Oh...i'm so excited and well...a mixture of emotions basically. She's the luckier one...Me and her dated around the same timing..but her guy became wiser and they got engaged and planned for their future. However for my case, things got screwed awefully wrong. Well, i take it as a blessing in disguise. People who knows me well, would probably know that i am the sort who would laugh back over every little things and mistakes i have made. Maybe my 4 years was a mistake in the first place, but i just din realise it. I'll just take it as a learning experience.

Like i say, mine was like a bicycle ride. I don quite intend to look for one now. Let me indulge being by myself first. I gotta learn how to love myself before others you see. I haven been able to do so for a long time. I would slash my wrist and get suicidal daily. It's terrible having to battle depression AND suicidal thoughts every single day of your life. I am learning to cope like i have said...i have people who cares about me. Now when i look back the scars i made on my wrists, it's just painful..coz it'll just bring unwanted memories. Then again, people should live their lives they want to...if they wanna get fucking depress, then let them be. It's only so much you can do to help. But....right now, it's not working for me.

It's my off day today..a bloody boring Tuesday. Classes starts in April, then exams in September. Can i do this shit?? Seriously and honestly speaking, i am so proned to impulse decisons. I always done things without even thinking twice! Then after i actually face the problems, i give up. Oh please..not again. I don wanna give up...i wanna make something in life.

Yesterday, after the longest time, when i saw cute ang-moh kids at my shop, i realised that i still desire to have one to call my own someday. It'll be awesomely adorable to dress her/him in the cutest gears i can i find at baby shops. And mind you, i knit stuffs too..so it's gonna be a hell cute journey dressing my little ones in Converse, Fox, Topshop wearables. Oohh.....well Dira and me went to Fox on Saturday at Suntec after that fair thang, and when we saw the socks and all those cute baby wears, we were like, "Hey, we'll get this for Dee's kids aite??" Hehe..she'll definitely have kids first before us..I can totally imagine her kids running around in overalls and mini Converse...CUTENESS!!

And so i made up my mind, yet again. I am so ficke at times. Even when it comes to decision so clear cut like this. I will move on, definitely get married. Initially i planned to get married BY 26..but unfortunately shit happens, so maybe ill opt for 28. =) Hopefully...Insya allah..Then again, like what they always say, "Jodoh dekat tangan Tuhan...kalau dah ade, tak ke mane.."

If me and him are meant to be, somehow, someway or another, our paths will cross again. If my heart is still open, Allah will show me the right way and Allah will point to me the right directions. Seriously, if that day happens, and mistakes repeats, i dunno if i'll regret. Maybe i won't...coz at least in this life, i gotta be there at the place i have always wanted to be at in the first place. =)

Dad says i'm stronger now. I am glad. It means yet again i have forgotten. Well, this entry is going nowhere huh? I keep repeating in circles..about the 'forgottened'. I am still about 1/4 melancholy...so i guess that explains pretty much the whole entry here...

Gotta go now. Maybe i'll snooze a bit. I am very sleepy somehow today. Maybe the lack of sleep is finally catching up. Adios..



Some people are just plain lucky to be in the place i wished i could already be in...how i envy them...and so it stings when they laugh too much and i have to bear the agony all over again of being the outcast in some sorta way..

Basically, i feel the pinch and pain of not being able to be so lucky...I don wish to be stuck..instead i wanna be in my safe zone all over again likfe it used to. I don wanna give up now..coz i have already built my foundations..and well, on a rainy day ike today you just can't help feeling sentimentel and down....

And i just so hope pics like that i won't have to see nor the words i have to read...god...curiousity kills me...kills me with pain and anger. I sucks.



Not exactly a blast like how im making it sound to be but.. Dira accompanied me to the Career/Education fair at Suntec and also passed me my new My Chemical Romance tee shirt. =)


And so upon reaching there, me and her din quite waste time and i headed straight to that TMC Academy booth and started crapping with the lady. It seems that with my Higher Nitec qualifications, i could enter the Higher Diploma courses. Hmmm...obviously the fees were more..but oh well, i couldn't care less as i REALLY, REALLY wanna do this. Sometimes when i am alone, i am not even sure why i wanna do this. Maybe it's just a getaway route, or a way to prove i can do this. I just want my time being spent wisely and occupied. It'll be 1 and 1/2 years babe...



And so after that much crap with the lady and this guy from POSB, for which i discussed the loan with, me and Dira zoom outta that place and headed around Suntec aimelessly before meeting Dee for lunch. Oh i miss her....Haha..And so we ate at McD..beofre started our usual cam-whoring session.





Thats my girl..entertaining a wrong-number call...haha..she wore this tie yesterday and well, it's jus a punk chic outfit..




That's our gross array of food display..






Dira..looking like Ray Toro here..tho she's heavily into Frank Iero now...weird..







My self taken pic, turned out weird...but oh well, i am just being me...






Group pics...Spot the difference anyone?? Hehe




Me and Dee..somehow this pic makes me look as if i'm takin pic with a midget!! I'm huge here don you tink?? Ah...that's her tie anyways..








Dodgy moments...








Me looking rather puffy and Dira looking...erm..Dira...haha


And so with that, we parted ways, with Dee having to go back to work at the Suntec exhibition and me and Dira heading home. I don have anywhere else to go these days. That's the thing about being alone..you never have the idea where to go and with whom..Duh! Nonethess, again i repeat that i am so glad that i have my 2 best friends beside me in this darkest time of my life ever..i dunno how i'll ever repay them....*sniffs*

And this Sunday morning is yet another boring day like the rest of the days of the week. And i am going to be working full shift on my birthday. How pathetic..Not that i am complaining coz in the first place i don even have anyone to spent it with me this year and secondly, i guss i'll have to skip all those being surprised idea coz NO ONE would freaking do it this year for me...Geesh....I dread the number 24...


Okie...guess i just go back to bed now..even tho it's only 1.20pm... =

Theres no better thing to do in the whole world besides sleeping on your own bed and dream.

Oh yeah, before i forget, those 2 galfriends of mine are so nuts about Simple Plan merch that they are gonna buy stuffs..It's the 3 for $25 US that they are madly into..Hmm..so i'll probably see how and get it too next time on a better pay day. Thing is with so many birthdays coming up, i'm gonna be so broke again..Dira's birthday is next month and Dee in May..Then followed by my Dad in July, Lene in August then a short break followed by Liza in October. Geesh! Before i know it, it's end of the year towards Hari Raya and gotta spent again for food stuffs...This sux..and what's worst for me is now i gotta pay the darn lappy, the Net bill and now school loan too...

I guess worst come to worst i take another job..part time that is and work till wee hours lor..Study at the same time too...Hopefully if i managed to pass, it'll be next year in September. Insyallah... =)

Seriously i gotta go..my guinea pigs are squealing like mad and Chi-chi's running around knocking things everywhere....