Why is it that, amidst busy time, i still feel a lil broken? Just a lil bit broken...

I wish for this feeling of my reflection of broken image to be gone...FOREVER!

I am supposed to be over it as per my last freaking entry!!!! I hate myself. I know, relationships are just mandatory. It's hence not as important as the ones we built with our families. But why do i still feel ever so lonely? Is it just coz of the rain today? Or am i just bloody desperate?? But for wat?? I'm not fucking desperate to have a dick up my pussy aite??!! Duh...

My heart keeps skipping a bit. And did i tell you that insomnia have decided to join me in life back?? Yeah, of all times, now. When school has started. I look like a panda today. The adult ones that is. I feel i have black circle surrounding the entire eye! Glitter make-up around the whole eyes sure doesn't help at all. Makes me look more like a damn clown..and who the fuck's gonna see me anyways? I'm not a babe magnet anyhow..Oh this sucks...

My boss came back yesterday and oh boy...the shock he got when he saw me.

My colleague told me that he was taken by surprise at my weight loss! I dunno..when i look in the mirror, seems fine to me. My body and all. True i can fit into a freaking size S now..but so what right?? Not a big deal to be shrinking from M to S right?? My arms feels like twigs tho..hmm...

And btw people. I need cash like SUPER badly. The ONLY thing i can think of for now is my knitting. WILL ANYONE HELP ME BUY MY SCARVES??

Just take it that it's for charity?? Selling for $10 each. What do you say?? It's just that life's a bit mad now. With loans, laptops, net and such every month, i'm only left with less than $100 everytime. Boo



Well, i got this private call this morning around 1am. And wen i picked it up, immediately i was annoyed.

Caller: Hello, ShaSha ader..???

Me: Ni sape?? How u get my number??

Caller: Hi..name i Hafiz, from Bedok..La..i found this handphone. I saw your pics inside. Must be old ones lah..but you know you look so beautiful tau...

Me: Thanks..but seriously i am so not interested.

Caller..You ader bf??

Me: This is going nowhere..so what?? Bye.

I hung up. And seconds later my phone lighted up. (it's on silent mode permanently for this period of life)

Me: Ape dier lagi ni??

Caller: You..

Me: Told you i tak interested OK...

Hung up again. And finally within seconds it lighted up again.

Caller: eh...asal you bual action sangat nie..

Me straight away hung up. That was it.

*grrrrrrrrrrrrr* I am so annoyed. I dunno who to be at most. Fucker or the caller. For losing the phone or for the caller to get flirty with me.

Kills me now with anger....

Blardy annoying.

Let me set the record straight. I am so not interested in people, boys who are like this. And i am not interested in boys now. I am not interested in people who think this is a funny cute prank. I am not those type of girls who will layan this kinda calls. Seriously, i am just not one of them. I don have anything against people who can carry on conversing with a stranger from the other line but it's just not me aite. And i jolly well will know how to carry on with my fucking life. And if this is a fucking prank, i won't fucking fall for it aite?? I will know how to find my own type. I am not a whore who will just go around fucking any dick. My pussy is defintely not hungry for those yet.

Just fuck off...



Guess what???? School was AWESOME!

Hahha..and i tot i'd be peeing in class. Duh. Turns out that class only consists of 7 peeps and they are oldies. (I dunno if there will be more, all coming back after 'school break'. Whatever that means...) kinda look like it from my point of view. And what more can i say when i was the only one wearing like a normal teen. Ya i'm fucking 24, but you know what i mean.

There's 2 guys. One is the plumpy tough guy. He's not fat and not muscly either but hes OK lah. He's working in the Police Force aite..and the other guy....*smacks forehead*....He's exactly like our Azlan!!! Just a chinese version. Gawwdddddddddd!!! And he sits right behind me in class and the only big deal about him is that he just came back from Russia like 2 years ago. Geez..

Our lecturer..erm...no the school Director or something like dat, was pretty fun. She cracked us loadsa times but as usual, i was the ONLY one laughing the most and sniggering half way through. I mean, it's good that it started off REALLY well..much better than i had expected it to be. And of all the things i hated was the pathetic fact that i work in a bookshop. The entire lot of them have pretty good jobs i'd say. And when it was my turn to introduce myself, i so hesitated to say the fact i, ShaSha am workin in a bookshop, which pretty much involves shelving books and ordering stuffs. And from what i could see, i'm the ONLY one in retail! Pa-tha-thic...

I was smiling in fact. I mean it's too early to be bonding immediately with people. I don want them to think i'm a psycho killer. Haha..And so next class in on the 10th. It's gonna be a workshop based on how to write future assignments. Cool.

I like my life already..for now.

I was telling people...lots of them.....

"I MANAGED TO LIVE THROUGH MARCH. NOW IT'S FOR APRIL."

I was probably high on sushi,coke or my painkillers when i said that to myself and told them. Now when i'm by myself pondering, i think i am safe enough to say that i am in a much better place. I have lost my fear of falling. =)

I have learnt to forget pretty much half the things. Still the rules applies the same way - THAT as long as i don't see nor hear, i'll do fucking great. I mean it.

Talking about all these crap, there's this guy... =) at work. All along i tot he was a Chinese guy. Never took any notice of him and in fact i kind hate him for his arrogant behaviour and snobbish air-ish way. And so when..let's call him Mr Nobody. And so when Mr Nobody came by yesterday to do printing, i told him with a straight face that i'll charge him $2 each for colour copy printing. Our friend sent his staff down to negotiate with me. And so i came down with $0.50 per copy. Whilst he was gone, (told him to come back 15 mins later) my chinese colleague was like, "Hey, that's the guy i want to matchmake you to. " And there i am like, "HUH!"

Me: Which guy?? I tot you said the other tall guy..this guy Chinese wat..

She: No lah gong2, he's Malay. You din noe?? Pretty OK wat..how?? *winks*

I died right away after that sentence coz my whole face turned red!! Yeah..and all this while i gave him pretty harsh treatment and i think even mumbling in Malay by myself serving him...God!! What was i thinking....And guess what? He came by the shop again today to do more color copy. My whole face went bright red again sadly. And stupid colleague kept whispering to me asking me to make little conversations. Ha ha...

Well, both of us were smiling and giggling..err..me and Mr Nobody i mean. I dunno. Nothing has happen yet coz all this conversation is solely between my colleague and me. She's practically dying to matchmake me. I should be saying "NOT AGAIN..." but i'm kinda OK with it really.. =) I doubt anything will happen but its good to do some boy shopping right? I dunno, i have this impression that's he's married though. I thought he bought some kid's stuff from my shop....Errr..where am i going with this?? And he's 31 from my thinking view...eeekkksss...

So should i be doing any talking the next time he pops by?? But ask what?? I'm no longer good at these things.

And by the way, he kinda look like Maznee but just better looking. Well not that good looking but smart enough =) Oh well, you know what i mean...and i think Dee should know me best....hahaha..

See the smilies i'm putting in for this entry....heheeeee....Countless...I'm giggling abit again. And that's fast...



School tomorrow at 7 till 10pm...

I feel like shitting just at the tot of it! 6 years of not touching books. 6 years of not mingling with classmates. 6 years of ignorance. 6 years of being a 'suaku'. 6 damn fucking long years to learn something new. 6 damn years to wake me from dreaming in wonderland.

But that doesn't mean i have stopped dreaming.Coz i still am. So what dreams exactly you may ask? Dreams to me are like wishes...Coz we can dream but they don't always have to come true.

1)To get married is every girl's dream. Especially a fairytale one. And so is mine.

2)Having to wake up next to someone in the morning and feeling his morning breath fresh on my neck...chillingly exciting.

3) My goddamn business. I know what i wanna do but i don't have capital yet. Darn.

4) My driving license. Hahah...

5)Kids. My own. Yeah..i'm talking about them finally.

6) A good job even tho i love my current one.

7) My own car. Even tho my dad has offered his if i pass my practical.

8) To go somewhere outside this little island. At least before i get married.

9) To be BEAUTIFUL. Kak Sri taught me that.

10) To love myself MORE than anyone else.

And so i am still dreaming more. Haha...Called Lene today and girl told me she's registering for R.O.M next year after Dee's wedding time. Why are all friends getting married suddenly? Well, and so they say, my time isn't here yet for such complicating issues. But i do hope it'll come someday. I wan babies. I guess this baby drama comes from too much playing with my nephew. His silly giggles makes me hook onto carrying him and buying him all those silly tops and knitting nonsensical cardigans. Honestly, i hated him when he first came home.

Well, i'll see what the outcome for school is like tomorow. Hope it's good. Hope the class is not full of boring crappy old peeps. I'd be so stuck for one and half year then. God. I feel like shitting at the tot of it again. Yikes....

"Please breath and relax ShaSha...you'll do fine
alright??"